Tainted Memories
by Kaerith
Summary: Seifer's changed since being under the Sorceress' control. Does Squall have the patience to try to heal him? SS DONE
1. Chapter One

Author's Notes:

Yet _another_ fic. I've been raiding one of my old notebooks searching for the beginnings of stories I never finished. I found this little gem amidst a lot of other crap and added a middle and an end, leaving the first part pretty much intact. Voila! A whole chapter! (This story seems to have at least two more chapters it requires, so expect more.)

The little squiggly lines (~~~~~) represent a flashback. The asterisks (******) indicate a change in the point of view. Hope it isn't too confusing.

Again, I don't own the characters or the world or the game storyline. I do, however, own _this_ particular storyline, and the others I've written, but that doesn't amount to very much. Maybe a few rusty bottlecaps or clamshells, depending on the local currency. And believe you me, the people at 7-Eleven get pretty mad and start yelling insults in Hindi at me if I try to barter twisty-ties for a Slurpee.

Enjoy! And thanks for the reviews! ~ Kaerith

~*~Tainted Memories~*~

I looked at him, my eyes following the lines of muscles. Tracing the planes and curves of his body. Remnants of tears still shone on his lashes and I had to stop myself from brushing stray strands back from his face.

I tried to hold on to that feeling of tender protectiveness but the dark waters of a memory reared up, tearing the present from my grasp.

~~~~~

"That is enough for now. Take him back to his cell." An elegant hand indicated two guards who immediately stepped forward to unshackle Leonhart from the torture apparatus. Some emotion passed over me and I strangely didn't want the guards touching him.

"Stop. I'll do it." My words surprised myself, but not the Sorceress. With a vile, knowing narrowing of her golden eyes she turned her head toward me and waved the guards back into position. "Of course. As you wish, my pet."

Time had broken my defenses and will. I no longer struggled against the intangible bonds holding my mind captive. Fighting her had proven useless.

With a curt nod I turned to the broken body of Leonhart. I listened to the swish of her skirt and click of her shoes as I freed his limp form from the wall. I tossed him over my shoulder and paced purposefully from the room into the hallway. Out of sight from the prison guards I slowed to adjust my hold to a less jarring one. Halfway down that corridor I changed destinations. Returning to a brisk military stride I headed toward my quarters.

Upon returning to my chamber I laid the brunette on the rough cot. Standing back I studied my rival. The electricity had done its damage. His shallow, labored breathing caused something to loosen in me. I pulled off my right glove and prepared a cure spell. Holding my bare hand a mere half-inch from his chest I activated the spell, causing a momentary glow to surround his prone form. Turning away, I replaced my glove and headed toward a chair.

"Seifer?" A weak voice asked from behind me. Spinning around, I looked at him warily, knowing that it had been a stupid decision to bring him here.

"Yeah?" I grunted. Suddenly I was terrified.

His head rested back down and dark bangs fell over his forehead, contrasting sharply with his exhausted, pale face. "Thought it was you. Guess you got me pretty good, huh?" I stayed silent, confused. But it seemed he wanted an answer.

"Er… yeah. Guess I did."

His eyes closed. Softly, he continued. "Hope Matron didn't punish you too bad."

__

Matron? I mentally shrugged. _Whatever._ Electricity must've knocked something loose. "Um, no, not too badly."

"Good." The word was a near inaudible exhalation, as if the short conversation had sapped his remaining strength. Maybe it had. His body seemed to sag and his breathing became more even.

__

Hmm. Guess I'll just sit and wait until he wakes up again. I settled into the canvas chair and propped my boots up on the table where Hyperion lay. I leaned my head back and shut my eyes, confident in my ability to wake at the slightest noise he should make.

Time passed until a creak of leather jolted me out of my half-slumber. I opened my eyes to see Leonhart sitting on the edge of the cot.

His eyes narrowed, silently and dangerously accusing. "Seifer." An abrupt statement as steely and finely honed as my blade. His eyes had darkened to an equally piercing gunmetal grey.

"Leonhart." I shoved my nervousness back, affecting a cool, nonchalant attitude.

The uncomfortable silence stretched on excruciatingly. His glare sliced the space between us to meet my uncaring demeanor.

"I mean to kill you," he finally stated.

I snorted. "Why didn't you when you had the chance?" I nudged my gunblade with one steel-toed boot.

His gaze faltered for a brief second. "I want you to fight back."

"Have a deathwish, hmm?" I arched an eyebrow.

"No! Just honor!" he retorted. A conceited coward like you wouldn't understand," he continued, half-mumbling.

"_You're_ calling _me_ a coward? You won't even fight me without two of your friends-" My sentence was interrupted as I stiffened.

__

:Enjoying him, pet?: A graphic sexual image of Leonhart and I accompanied her deep, throaty chuckle. I could feel my face turn from stark white to horrified red.

__

Get the **fuck **outta my mind!: I roared the message to her in a mind-blast. Her amused laughter faded as she retreated down the dark passage of thought she had erected between our minds.

When I was certain that her filthy presence had left, I released my breath and opened my eyes. I hadn't realized I had shut them and could not recall hunching over and balling my fists futilely. I felt beads of sweat cling to my forehead and the back of my neck. Spots of blackness finally left my vision.

When I finally raised my head, Squall was looking at me strangely. "Was that her?" I tried to label the tone and inflection of his voice. Fear and… concern?

"Yeah." My throat felt raw. I probably had screamed out loud. I forced my hands open and tried to stop my shaking. _I **hate** it when she goes into my head like that!_ I glanced back at Squall quickly, feeling guilt for the picture the Sorceress had burned into my memory.

"I, uh, gotta go." I stood and headed for the door at just short of a sprint, knocking over the chair in my haste. "Just stay here and, um, rest."

"Seif-" His voice was cut off as I bolted through the door and slammed it behind me.

~~~~~

The past suddenly threw me from its hold, and I shook my head roughly. _It's over now._ I clutched that thought, trying to use it as a barrier between now and the feelings those memories brought back.

Squall rolled over and I quickly wiped tears from my face. His eyes opened and he focused on me. "Again?" he asked gently. Not trusting my voice, I nodded, and he immediately opened his arms. I crawled into the bed and let him hold me.

Eventually he spoke. "Feel like sleeping?"

I shook my head. "Not really."

"Me neither. Let's go for a walk." He stood and tugged at my hand. "C'mon." I smiled a bit and got up. Silently we dressed and left the cottage. Linking hands, we began strolling down the beach.

The sound of the waves crashing soothed me. "Are you ready to talk about it?" Squall stopped walking and slowly pulled me around to face him, searching my expression with a concerned gaze.

"I-I can't. Not yet." My voice cracked with emotion and I could feel my hands tremble slightly.

"Okay," he said simply, sighing and dropping my hands to wrap his arms around me and rest his cheek against my chest. I gripped him close and closed my eyes to prevent more tears from escaping. _He's been so patient,_ I thought. I hadn't been able to tell him too much of what happened while I was under Ultimecia's control, but he had stayed with me for the past three months.

***Squall***

I could feel him shaking as we held each other. I quelled yet another wave of rage at the Sorceress who had broken Seifer. Before _her_ he had been a strong and proud man, fiery and unshakable. I had fallen or him despite his arrogance and anger… fell in love with the kind-hearted vulnerable boy he really was. Only Ultimecia had brought that vulnerability to the surface and scarred him physically, mentally, and emotionally; changed him into a fearful, haunted shadow of his former self. His eyes, darker now than they had been before the war, cast scared glances around continuously, searching the shadows for the hidden demons that invaded his dreams and thoughts. He would startle at sudden noises and movements. He was haunted by his memories, much like the traumatized drafted soldiers after a particularly bloody war. Seifer's blank face and unfocused eyes echoed those of the war veterans lining the streets of Timber, detached from reality even while begging for food. Time after time I had turned my back on those unsettling stares, pity warring with disgust. Turned away from my own fears and nightmares.

But now I cannot escape from it. The terror chokes me whenever I look into Seifer's vacant eyes. I don't want to understand it, don't want to deal with it all, but I must. _I must face my fears and his if I want Seifer, the **real** Seifer, back._

"Let's go back inside," I suggested as I felt his shivering increase with the breeze.

"No, please. I can't yet." His grip on my back tightened slightly as he clutched me closer.

"Alright." I pulled him down onto the sand, trying to shield his larger body from the wind with mine.

__

God, I **hate** this! I railed silently but vehemently against God, against Fate, against whoever was responsible for letting him get like this. _I can't take it much longer!_ The silences, the tears, the cowering shell that seemed to be all that Seifer had become…. But what really broke my heart was when he shrank away from even the idea of exchanging more than kisses or clumsy caresses. The first time I had reached down to touch the fly of his jeans he had stiffened, shut his eyes, and whimpered. _Whimpered!_ The large, boisterous man who had charged alone into the Dollet communications tower. Any suggestion or hint I made at doing more than making out was met with sullen silence or, worse, tears and pleas.

I was tired. Tired of his cowed apologies, tired of my sexual frustration, tired of seeing the one person I loved with all my heart so changed.

"…Seifer, I'm sorry." He raised his head and looked at me quizzically. "I love you, but I can't handle this anymore. It's so hard for me to see you like this-" my voice broke and I lowered my head into my hands, letting tears fall from between my clenched eyelids and slide down my wrists. "I want to make you better, but I don't know how or if I even can. I don't know what happened, I don't know if you'll get better. I just… I don't know what else to do! Tell me what to do, Seifer! I've already resigned from my position, moved away from the Garden and my friends, just to be with _you_ but you just seem to be worse! I've tried to be unselfish, calm, and forgiving to make you comfortable around me, but… I'm just drained. I'm empty. I need to get something in return. I don't know what you need to do, but please do it! I _can't_ help you anymore!" I had avoided looking at him for my entire speech and now still sat with my head in my hands. Tears were flowing, but I stifled the sobs. I was devoid of all energy but that needed to just sit there, crying and hurting.

***Seifer***

I made no move to touch him while he talked. I had, in fact, cringed back the first time he raised his voice. I watched his shoulders shake and could hear stifled sobs coming from behind his chocolate curtain of hair. Tentatively I raised a hand to sweep the bangs from his face, but stopped mid-air. I couldn't bear to touch him when he was so upset. My touch wouldn't ease any pain of his; all I had ever brought to his life was pain. Every time we touched, every time we hugged or kissed I could feel myself contaminating him with the poison of my memories.

My chest constricted and I had trouble breathing as I watched him hug his knees and shake. I raised my head toward the sky wishing for some directions or answers, but all I saw was the moon blurred by my tears. _If it weren't for me… everything would be different for him. He would have been a regular mercenary, with a regular salary, a regular girlfriend, a regular life… _I shut my eyes and lowered my head into my arms. My heart seemed to be wringing itself dry in my chest. _He'd be better off without me. At least I owe him a chance for happiness._

Gulping back abortive sobs, I stood. I looked down at his bent head. "I-I… Maybe I had better just leave." Guilt weighing heavily on my shoulders, I turned toward the cottage, planning to pack up my few belongings of importance and just walking off. _Out of his life. Squall will appreciate it one day._

His hand wrapped itself around my wrist. "Seifer…" Automatically, I turned and looked down into his face. His free hand rose to wipe his eyes. "Don't go."

"You'll appreciate it one day," I said gruffly, looking away.

"_Please_… don't go, Seifer." His low voice was laden with sadness and desperation. It took all my willpower to stand unmoving instead of reeling to take him in my arms. _What comfort can I offer him that isn't tainted? Nothing, Almasy. Better to just go away now and prevent more hurt for him later._ Remaining still, I tried to ignore the rough palm pressed against the inside of my wrist and the strong fingers wrapped around it.

Eventually, Squall stood and walked around to face me, still holding onto my arm. The white moonlight softly illuminated part of his face, creating little shimmers in his wide, teary eyes and making his skin glow a color paler than usual. Looking pleadingly into my eyes, he placed his other palm on my chest. "Please don't go. We'll get through this. I promise."

I had been conditioned by the Sorceress to accept orders without comment and bend to her will. Three months later it was still a habit, and annoyed Squall greatly. For the first time since being "programmed" I fought the immediate reaction to submit. In the end my emotions won over thought.

"Okay." I didn't know if we _would_ get through everything, but the brightening of his eyes and the hint of a smile made everything up to that moment worth it.

  


Note: Tee-hee! Squall has strong fingers! Imagine the possibilities.... 


	2. Chapter Two

Author's Notes:

I apologize for the long delay and the length of this chapter. I have good excuses, though. My grandfather was in the hospital for a couple weeks before passing away. I also had midterms to study for in between my familial duties. But many, many thanks to all those who have been reviewing this and my other stories.

The little squiggly lines (~~~~~) represent a flashback. The asterisks (******) indicate a change in the point of view. Hope it isn't too confusing.

Again, I don't own the characters or the world or the game storyline. I do, however, own _this_ particular storyline, and the others I've written, but that doesn't amount to very much. Maybe a few rusty bottlecaps or clamshells, depending on the local currency. And believe you me, the people at 7-Eleven get pretty mad and start yelling insults in Hindi at me if I try to barter twisty-ties for a Slurpee. ~ Kaerith

  


~*~Tainted Memories~*~

Chapter Two

***Squall***

Relieved, I pulled Seifer closer to me. His arm tightened around my shoulders and we walked side-by-side back towards our small home. Crawling back into the double bed, he pulled my head onto his left shoulder. Rolling towards him, I threw an arm across his broad chest and snuggled my nose into his neck. He slowly stroked my hair as I listened to his steady heartbeat and even breathing. Finally calm, I slipped off into sleep.

***Seifer***

I felt him snuggle into me even more as he slept. I concentrated on his body heat and the warm tickling of his breath on my neck. My eyes half-closed in a feeling that was the closest to contentment since… I don't know when. His promise "We'll get through this" echoed softly in my mind. With my eyes half-closed, I relaxed.

~~~~~~

I scanned the cheering crowd as the float toured Deling City. The spies had reported that General Caraway was planning an assassination attempt during the parade. _Rinoa's father. I wonder if Squall, Quistis, and Zell will be carrying out the mission?_ Anxiously, I adjusted my grip on Hyperion. _Rinoa was just a distraction. I can kill her easily if I must. Quistis, Chicken, and that messenger girl too. But Squall…_I wasn't sure if I could kill him.

I hid my uneasiness from the gullible spectators, raising a hand to comb my fingers through my hair. I couldn't shield the Sorceress from my thoughts, however. _Maybe she's paying attention to the crowd._ I hoped so.

_:And miss your petty thoughts, pet?:_ I heard her dark laughter in my mind. _:Don't fret, my Knight. When the time comes you will kill all nuisances in our way. Not even your childish fantasies of unrequited love can stand in my path.:_

I strained to see her expression from the corner of my eye. Her face showed no hint of anything other than disdain and mild amusement. A flash of rage at her ridicule rose, instantly extinguished by the despairing reality of my impotence to act against her will. But her barb had struck squarely where it had been aimed.

_Is this really just a childish fantasy?_

I was jolted out of my thoughts as immense iron gates fell, trapping the float inside the gateway. I turned to see the Sorceress rise, saw her narrow her eyes and lips in alarm and displeasure. She raised a blue-green shield as something – a bullet? – flew straight at her. Automatically I crouched to a low guard position, my heart unexpectedly sinking as I dropped down. _I guess it isn't Squall after all. Balamb doesn't have any sharpshooters._ Shaking off the disappointment, a strange emotion to be feeling when I would have had to fight _him_, I looked to Sorceress Edea for instructions.

Her face was raised as if she could hear something over the exploding fireworks and ringing metal as the parade guards laid waste to the startled spectators around them in confusion. Her orders were not given as words; if they were I would not have been able to hear them. Instead, she seized my mind, inciting the blood lust that caused me to become a berserker in battle. The thrilling expectation of confrontation caused me to instinctively smirk. I felt my blood heat and pulse quicken in anticipation as the torches of the float flared. _God, I love the exhilaration of a berserk spell!_

The screeching of metal briefly eclipsed the sounds of the fighting mob. I grinned as I heard the footsteps of the fool who dared confront a Sorceress and her Knight and waited to see who it would be. 

__

No! the sane part of my mind cried as I recognized the fool facing me.

_Squall!_

I felt the Sorceress' amusement as I tried to fight the berserk spell. _My mind has never won over my instincts, so why should it now?_

"Well, this is how it turned out," I heard myself say.

Leonhart stared at me with obvious contempt. "So you've become the sorceress' lap dog?" 

I rose to the bait, propelled by blood lust. "I prefer to be called her knight. This has always been my dream."

I study him. He's prepared for battle. Prepared to kill me, kill the Sorceress, save the world and live happily ever after with Rinoa, whom I notice is running towards us. Towards Squall, at least.

__

"When the time comes you will kill all nuisances in our way. Not even your childish fantasies of unrequited love can stand in my path."

I looked at Squall. I looked at Rinoa. _They are the ideal couple, _I realize. Giving up on hope, I settle for second best, narrowing my eyes in anger and hurt. _Fine. But they will _not_ stand in the way of Sorceress Edea!_ I let go of my childish fantasies and let the battle frenzy conquer my feelings.

"Squall, you're mine!" Brandishing Hyperion, I threw myself into battle.

  


Note: Seifer may be impotent against the Sorceress, but don't worry… he won't be impotent against Squally! *evil grin*


	3. Chapter Three

Author's Notes:

Woo-hoo, another chapter! Hmm… seems like this story is going to be more than just a few chapters like I originally thought. I found this nifty little computer program that lets me watch the FMVs on PSOne discs. With the movies and game script, I'm having too much fun rewriting and adding to scenes. There are too many hints in the game suggesting a more-than-mere-arch-rivals relationship between Seifer and Squall for my warped mind to pass up. *evil grin* 

I don't own the characters or the world or the game storyline. I do, however, own _this_ particular storyline, and the others I've written, but that doesn't amount to very much. Maybe a few rusty bottlecaps or clamshells, depending on the local currency. And believe you me, the people at 7-Eleven get pretty mad and start yelling insults in Hindi at me if I try to barter twisty-ties for a Slurpee. ~Kaerith

~*~Tainted Memories~*~

Chapter Three

***Seifer***

I woke lying on my left side, arms wrapped possessively around Squall. I uncurled my right arm to brush a stray hair from my face.

"Mrmm," he protested, voice muffled, pressing closer to me and burying his head under a pillow.

"Morning," I replied. Looking at the old wall clock, I discovered it was almost noon. _Time to get my lazy ass out of bed._ "Coffee?" Stifling a groan, I forced myself to begin getting out of bed.

"Mruf!" An impossible hybrid of command and whine came from the pillow, enforced with a tug on my arm pulling me back onto the bed.

"Fine, fine!" I conceded as I burrowed back under the sheet. I lay contentedly, fully awake but not minding staying in bed with Squall cuddled close. I closed my eyes, breathing in deeply the scent of him. My friend, my lover, my conscious, my world. My mind was drifting, buoyed by a boundless sea of happiness and safety I had never thought I would receive.

When had it all begun? 

~~~~~~

I fought down rising lust as I watched through hooded eyes as Squall moved restlessly around the boat. For some unknown reason, I had found myself admiring Squall during the past few months. _My hormones must be screwed up. There's no way I would ever like a naïve look-at-me-I-just-hit-puberty boy like Leonhart otherwise!_ This frustrating attraction had urged me to duel with him; I had known that he wasn't as advanced as me, but I had instigated a battle anyway. Turns out that I had underestimated his skill entirely. 

Not to say that he was better, or even as good as me. After all, I am the best gunblade specialist in all three Gardens.

The brunette in question interrupted my thoughts by trying to initiate conversation. Before he even opened his mouth, I ordered: "Listen up. Our goal for this mission is to mop up all the Galbadian soldiers still left in Dollet. All you boys have to do is take orders from me, the captain." I scowled smugly as he backed away, choosing to talk to Chicken-wuss instead.

_This is just some perverted crush. Not even a crush! Just forget about him, and focus on the mission,_ I decided.

"We'll be landing soon. Get ready," Xu announced. With that resolve in mind, I focused on getting myself prepared.

After disembarking, we stood restlessly. "Ok, you are to secure the Central Square!" Instructor Quistis ordered. "Be sure to equip your GF before you head into battle!" I scoffed at her advice. _Since when have I needed GFs?_ I saluted her cockily, before running at full speed through Dollet. "Just try to defeat me, Galbadian scum!" I muttered under my breath, grinning in anticipation of battle.

I heard the breathless protests of Chicken W. Dincht behind me, and the pounding of boots on the cobbled pavement. I stopped reluctantly to let them catch up. Turning, I saw that Leonhart had not been too far behind me. He was running lightly, almost silently, with a look of grin determination on his face, his fresh scar wrinkling a bit in concentration.

Easily defeating a couple of enemy soldiers, I watched Dincht's red face as he gasped for breath. _Hnh. He's _supposed_ to be a martial artist, but he can't even run a couple miles before wimping out! Well, it's not like I had high expectations or anything. Tcha, not even _normal_ expectations!_ I glared at Dincht before speaking. "The Central Square is up ahead. Hey! All you Galbadian cowards out there! Come out'n show your faces! Don't leave me hangin' now!" Without waiting for them, I took off running.

Another easy battle later, the three of us were in the Square. "There may be more…" Leonhart said. He stood a few paces away, looking for all the world as if _he_ were the one in charge. _Fine,_ I thought, hacking up phlegm and spitting it at Dincht's feet. He glowered at me and I matched him scowl for scowl 'til he looked away.

"All right, I want you guys to scout the area for enemies." Of course, goody-goody Leonhart took off, flushing out a soldier whom I dispatched with ease. Even after my effortless kill, Leonhart felt the need to blab and get his commanding feelies.

"I think that's all of them."

I did not even deign to look at him. _God, I _hate_ overachieving do-gooders!_ But I could feel him waiting for a reply. _Like a dog waiting for an approving pat on the head. How pathetic._

"Well then, we're on standby 'til the enemy comes." I adjusted the position of my gunblade, and bobbed the tip against my shoulder. I spared a glance at Chicken who was fidgeting with his glove straps and shoelaces. When he pulled out a ratty comb and small canister of hair gel I looked away in disgust. "Standby... How boring..."_Tap tap tap tap tap._

Eventually the sounds of fighting and missiles began. "Sounds like it's starting," said the Master of the Obvious. I snorted. "Bring it on."

_Tap tap tap._

_God this is boring!_

The flea-bitten mutt that had been loitering around the square started getting friendly, sniffing my boots and whining. "Get outta here! Scram!" I chased the dog off.

_Tap tap tap._

_Goddammit!_ "Hey! Galbadian Soldiers! What are you waiting for!? Come show me what you got!" I swung Hyperion in a few threatening arcs.

"...Nothing." I glanced at Squall. _What is that supposed to mean? If he hardly ever opens his mouth, why does he say stupid shit? Uh-oh._ He was approaching again. _Another attempt at conversation?_ I prevented him from having the first word. "Still keeping us waiting...?" I was tired of hanging around with these two losers. "That's it...! I can't take it anymore! What is this, some kind of dog training!?" I brandished Hyperion again. The stupid cur howled and finally ran off.

"It's the enemy..." Leonhart was at it again. I rolled my eyes. _No, really? _I thought sarcastically, _I thought it was a gaggle of school girls._ Then Chicken has to pipe in with his two gil. "Where the hell they goin'? Hey? What is that up there?"

I looked in the direction the soldiers were heading. "Our next destination."

"But that's against orders!"

"Weren't you just saying how bored you were?"

"Squall!" Zell turned to the brunette for help. I waited for pearls of wimpy wisdom to fall from Puberty Boy's mouth.

"I stand by the captain's decision."

"...Captain's decision?" I was surprised. _Maybe the kid has more guts than I thought._ I looked at his face, at his serious eyes. _Does he actually _trust_ me?!_ A million emotions ran through me, but all I could think about was the way his hair – lighter than I had always thought – fell over his forehead, and imagine how his collarbones would jut out sharply through his pale skin as he reached for me…. _Whoa._ I snapped myself out my fantasies but allowed myself to reach out a gloved hand to grasp his shoulder, my fingers digging into his delicate skin to press against those tantalizing bones in a harsh grip. I struggled to think of a response. "You want to wreak some havoc too, don't you?"

I felt the play of bone and muscle under my fingertips as he shook off my hand. "It's a good opportunity to test my training. Thanks to you, I feel like I can take on anyone." A small part of my mind reveled -- _Squall is thanking me! _– before being shot down as he said, "Even if they do fight dirty, like you."

With that letdown, I snapped back, "You'll thank me when the time comes." My eyes narrowed a bit, and I resumed scowling and glaring at him. Leonhart returned the challenge with a hard, flinty gaze.

Our silent exchange was interrupted by Dincht. "What the hell... I thought you guys don't get along? You're like, all buddy-buddy now. Listen. This ain't no ordinary battle. It's an exam, an important one. I'm tellin' ya, we have to stick to orders."

I twisted my head around to look at him. His eyes and slightly oversized Garden-issue clothing made him look younger than usual. I felt a flash of protectiveness. "Then you stay here. I don't need any boy scouts." _Geez. Is Squall making me soft?_

"What was that!!!?" Zell pathetically tried to arrange his features into a threatening expression. Luckily, Leonhart cut in before I burst out laughing. "Don't take him seriously, Zell. Seifer, if we're gonna go, let's hurry."

"The enemy is headed for the facility. We, Squad B, are to secure the summit. Move out!" I ordered.

"Alright."

"Tch... Fine."

My ego was slightly deflated as my squad responded with minimal enthusiasm. _Just my luck that I get assigned a pair of sissy cadets._


	4. Chapter Four

Author's Notes:

Hold on to your valuables, everybody! It's a new chapter! (Knew I should've erected safety nets before posting this.)

Damn, if fanfiction.net is correct, I haven't updated this fic since late March! *meep* Sorry, people. I tried. I really tried.

Finally the fourth chapter appears before your very eyes! Complete with a scene that is - whoops, don't want to spoil it for ya! This chapter picks up where the previous ended - with Seifer remembering the Dollet mission.

I don't own the characters or the world or the game storyline. I do, however, own _this_ particular storyline, and the others I've written, but that doesn't amount to very much. Maybe a few rusty bottlecaps or clamshells, depending on the local currency. And believe you me, the people at 7-Eleven get pretty mad and start yelling insults in Hindi at me if I try to barter twisty-ties for a Slurpee. ~Kaerith

  


~*~Tainted Memories~*~

Chapter Four

***Seifer***

We ran up towards the Dollet communications tower, defeating the next coupl'a soldiers easily. I was hiding from some Galbadians when Leonhart and Dincht caught up.

"The generator is up and running!" One soldier said.

"No problem with the boosters!" Another replied.

"...the hell they doing?" I muttered.

A third soldier chimed in. "Cable disconnection confirmed! Begin exchange process!"

"Roger."

"Repairs…?" Squall asked as the soldiers entered the communications tower.

The sight of him unconsciously licking his lips brought back that unexpected rush of warmth shooting through my chest and downwards. I shifted my position and wondered if that particular action of his was a nervous gesture. "Who cares," I said gruffly, forcing the inconvenient emotions and sensations aside. "This must be your first real battle. You scared?"

I had to wait awhile for him to respond. He changed his position and wetted his lips again. "...I don't know. I try not to think about it," he concluded finally.

"I love battles. I fear nothing." After the words were spoken I berated myself for saying them. In reality, they were far from the truth. _Well, it's true _while_ I'm fighting,_ I clarified. The adrenaline would fill me up like a vessel leaving no room for emotions in my calculating fury. _But afterward… and before…._ "The way I look at it, as long as you make it out of a battle alive, you're one step closer to fulfilling your dream."

I had not meant to say that either. Squall gave me a skeptical and surprised look. "What!? Your dream?"

Caught off guard, – _Damn mouth! Always runnin' off 'fore my brain_ – I stalled. "You have one too, don't you?"

He turned away from me. "...Sorry, but I'm gonna pass on that subject." For a moment I stared at the back of his head, thinking absently, _I really do wonder what his dream is._

My moment of introspection was interrupted when Zell piped up. "Yo! Let me on it, too!"

"Mind your own business," I retorted.

The smaller blond swung at me, mumbling something along the lines of "Frickin' hell..."

"What's the matter, Zell? Swatting flies?" I asked innocently.

"Damn you...!" By the time he responded I was already running toward the tower. The same thoughtless impulse that had gotten me into my previous discourse with the Iceberg prompted another unwilling sentence a few minutes later. "One of these days, I'm gonna tell ya 'bout my ROMANTIC dream!"

  


~~~~~~

I inhaled the sweet, musky scent of Squall. By the sounds and feel of his breathing he was deep asleep. My lips curved in a small smile. _Whatever my 'romantic dream' was then it sure can't compare to this reality!_ I really hadn't had a romantic dream at the time. It was probably just the unprecedented lust for Squall that had urged the remark.

For the second time that morning, I gently removed myself from the sleeping brunet's embrace. This time I escaped with only a few quiet murmurs of protest. Overcome with a feeling of tenderness, I swept his hair from his face and lightly brushed his forehead with my lips. Then, pulling a T-shirt over my drawstring pants, I stepped out the door.

I walked up one of the nearby sand dunes and sat, noticing our footprints from the night before. _When I tried to leave,_ I recalled. Now, with the guilt of fucking up Squall's life resting a little bit lighter on my shoulders, I felt an intense flood of relief that he had wanted me to stay. _I don't know what I'd do without him. I know that this dependence isn't healthy for either of us, and I really do **want** him to happy! _I didn't really care about my own happiness. Before the Sorceress War I was the only one I cared about_. Well, I cared about Rai and Fu, of course. Still do._ But I had only acted in my own interest, bullying and manipulating everyone to get my own way.

"I will not be a self-centered bastard anymore," I whispered into the morning breeze. "From now on Squall's needs come before my own." The resolution comforted me, and I felt a rush of strength and confidence return as my load of guilt lessened a bit more. A small rush, admittedly, but it was a beginning. And I prayed that it was only the _beginning_ of my healing, and that I would eventually become my old self again. _A nicer and more considerate old self, because I now… now I have Squall._ And I smiled, the joy and hope in my soul beginning to tear through the shadows of doubts, blame, and helplessness that had tainted my heart.

I was still smiling a while later when Squall's voice brought me back. "Seifer? Seifer?!" Hearing the near panic, I jumped up and ran inside.

  


***Squall***

"Seifer?" I left the bed and began walking through the house. _Did he leave? _I felt a rising sense of anxiety when I did not find him in any of the rooms. "Seifer?!" I called again. There was a threatening lump in my throat. _I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry…_ I covered my face with my hands. _Seifer…_

I heard the front door slam open. He had burst through the door. Spotting me he ran up and wrapped his arms around me. "Shh. Shh, baby. I'm still here."

"I thought you'd left me for good." My arms circled his waist and I squeezed. His arms tightened in response, and I felt some subtle change in him: the willingness to be this close, and his protectiveness, and the unconscious inherent strength in those muscles that I hadn't seen since before Ultimecia. _Something has changed in him since last night. _It was unexpected, and mysterious, but I felt a rising hope that maybe things would get better. _For him and for me._

Seifer held me closer and I could feel the vibrations in his chest and neck as he made comforting sounds, felt his hands smoothing my hair. "I won't leave you again, Squall, I won't _ever_ leave you again."

Enveloped in warmth, I finally calmed and lifted my chin to look into his eyes. He smiled gently down on me and used his thumbs to wipe tears that I hadn't noticed from my cheeks. "Mmm?" He hummed questioningly.

"Would you kiss me? Please?"

"A'course," he replied, his smile widening before he bent his head down. I was surprised when the chaste close-lipped touch (all that he had been comfortable with since returning to the Garden) turned into something deeper and more passionate. Half in shock, I reacted automatically at first when his tongue begged entrance into my mouth, letting him part my lips. The heat, the taste, made me ecstatic! I allowed my mouth to do what it had craved to do these past months: explore, taste, nibble, caress, and I moaned against the softness and wetness and desire. My body liquefied everywhere, and only his embrace kept me on my feet. My heart was pounding, my breathing came in ragged gasps, and molten pleasure seared through key points of my body.

"Oh god," I panted when the kiss broke. "Oh Seifer!" I collapsed against him, weak in the knees and hard in… other places.

"Squall," he said dazedly, clutching me to him. I felt his arousal and mine responded to the new knowledge. Tentatively, I slid my hand down, praying to whatever powers existed that I wasn't crossing this new line of his limits.

"Squall, no." He grasped my wrist gently. I looked up at him and my confused hurt must've shown in my eyes. He brushed his lips across my forehead before explaining. "I'm sorry, Squall, but… not yet."

I read the slight shame and concern and fear in his eyes and nodded wordlessly. After one last fierce squeeze I let go and stepped back. I smiled reassuringly at him before turning and entering the bathroom, locking the door as quietly as I could behind me._ It's not his fault_, I repeated over and over, trying to dispel my dashed hopes, insecurities, despair, unsated lust, and a million other things. I closed my eyes. _It's not his fault._

  


Note:

Wow, that's the most detailed I've written about kissing. And I even acknowledged "naughty bits" several times! Just for you all, who have waited so long for this next installment. I promise, the last and final chapter is a few paragraphs away from being completed. Sometime this week, so keep an eye out for it!


	5. Chapter Five

Author's Notes:

I don't own the characters or the world or the game storyline. I do, however, own _this_ particular storyline, and the others I've written, but that doesn't amount to very much. Maybe a few rusty bottlecaps or clamshells, depending on the local currency. And believe you me, the people at 7-Eleven get pretty mad and start yelling insults in Hindi at me if I try to barter twisty-ties for a Slurpee. ~Kaerith

  


~*~Tainted Memories~*~

Chapter Five

***Squall***

"Seifer?" I stood in the doorway and Seifer turned from his seat at the small kitchen table.

"Yes?" 

"I found something..." I pulled a wadded bundle of stained and torn cloth from behind my back. If I hadn't been watching him carefully I may have missed the quick widening of his eyes as he recognized it as his trenchcoat. I waited apprehensively for him to say something.

He finally grunted and turned back to the book he had been reading. "Didn't know I still had that. Feel free to get rid of it." The last sentence, so impassively phrased, I took to be an order. Even from the distance of a couple yards away I could see tendons in his neck bunch up.

Silently taking a deep breath for courage, I tossed it over his head where it sprawled over the pages of his book. 

***Seifer***

I stared at the grey material. Unwillingly, I saw my hand move to finger the frayed hem.

"What are you thinking about?" Squall asked tentatively from his place in the doorway.

"...When you came to Lunatic Pandora to rescue Ellone." I whispered.

~~~~~~

Fujin ran in, followed closely by Raijin. After a sketchy salute, the girl said, "SQUALL HERE."

I heard, but didn't immediately answer. _This is going too far,_ I thought. I had known that being a Sorceress' Knight would put me right on the top of the Public Enemy list, knew that it would require killing and marauding, but this was going too far. _Compressing time?_ Even _I_ didn't want to be responsible for killing everyone from the past and future as well as the present. Assisting Sorceress Edea (at the time I had had no knowledge that it was Ultimecia in control) with the taking over of Galbadia was something I could live with. _But not the senseless destruction of billions of lives. _

My thoughts were interrupted by the sounds of Squall's arrival. "We've come to take back Ellone," he demanded.

Outwardly I scowled, but inwardly wished that I didn't have any pride so I could surrender. _Too late, Almasy. You're in too deep._ "Looks like we got company," I spoke to Rai and Fu. "Show 'em your hospitality." Raijin began to follow orders, but halted at Fujin's command.

"RAIJIN, STOP!"

"What's up?" I was mildly surprised. 

"We had enough, ya know..." Rai answered. Fujin released Ellone with the word "GO."

"Hey, hey... Come on people," I said to my friends.

"Seifer, we're quittin' ya know? Don't know what's right anymore, ya know..."

"Exactly my thoughts," I muttered. _Hell, _I _don't know what's right anymore!_ "I thought we were a posse."

"POSSE," Fujin confirmed. She continued in one of her rare polysyllabic speeches: "We are. We always will be. Because we're a posse, we want to help you. Whatever it takes to fulfill your dreams, we're willing to do. But... You're being manipulated, Seifer. You've lost yourself and your dream. You're just eating out of someone's hand. We want the old you back!" _God, Fu,_ I thought, _so do I. So do I._ She went on. "Since we can't get through to you, all we have now to rely on is Squall! It's sad... Sad that we only have Squall to rely on..."

I looked at Squall. He was there with two friends at his side as always. _Good ol' Squall. He'll never be the villain. Fujin has it wrong. Squall is a much, much better person to rely on than me._ _Nothing short of un-resurrectable death would cause him to break a promise or fail to protect a friend._ I had completely failed in protecting my only two friends. I had let them both join me in Ultimecia's task of virtually ending the world. _The only chance for them to survive is to follow Squall. Even if Ultimecia isn't defeated, I will die. By my own hand, if no other's._

"Seifer!" Fujin's voice brought me back to reality. "Are you still gonna keep goin'?"

I didn't need to answer. I didn't need to think. _I'm in too deep. Every hero needs an antihero. At least I've gotten to play a part._ Though my fate was immutable, I still felt a deep agony of depression, failure, sadness, and denial. "Raijin, Fujin! It's been fun!" I watched them leave with relief. _It's all that I can give them now. Too bad I didn't do it sooner. But with luck on Squall's side, it won't be too late._

"Are you going to continue with this knight thing?" Squall asked, not unkindly.

I didn't believe in Ultimecia's ends nor her means but, like I said, I was in too deep. "The knight has retired. I guess you could call me a young revolutionary."

"What do you think you're doing?" Squall challenged. He had picked up on the hint that I had lost faith in the Sorceress.

I shrugged. _I've never known what I was doing. Just always been too damn impulsive._ "I've always gotta be doing somethin' BIG! I don't wanna stop. I'm gonna keep running!" _Until the end, my death, which hopefully will be soon. If Squall does win I don't deserve to continue living. _"I've come this far... I'm gonna make it to the end, to the goal! There's no way I'm sharing it with you!"

The fight began.

~~~~~~

"I wanted you to kill me."

"Why?" He made as if to move towards me, the action quickly aborted.

I looked at the worn fabric gripped in tense fistfuls in my hands. "I-I realized that I had never had control of my life. Especially then. I was born to be the bad guy; sometimes pitied, sometimes feared, but always hated. Fu and Rai left - which was for the best. I _wanted_ them to get away from me and the death and destruction I was creating. But you still had your friends willingly following you, as well as the rest of the world cheering you on."

"You weren't _born_ to be the bad guy, Seifer. Ultimecia was just using you!"

I shook my head, still studying the threadbare and bloodstained coat. "I could never have been anything but what I was."

_...And what I am now: as worn-out and useless as my old trenchcoat._

The fabric was pulled roughly from my grasp and thrown aside as Squall took its place on my lap, straddling my thighs, grey eyes boring into mine not two inches from my own. "Listen to me, Seifer," he began, his arms creeping around my neck, "What you were was a confused abandoned kid. All of your confidence and arrogance was a way for you to try to protect yourself. That did not make you a 'bad guy.' Ultimecia came along and took advantage of your childhood dreams of being a hero and protecting someone that you love and know that they love you back. She _took advantage _ofthat vulnerability! When she backed up her offer with surreptitious status attacks, _you had no chance to say no._ Being coerced into joining her side did _not_ make you a 'bad guy.'

"But what really convinces me that you are not a 'bad guy' is that all this undeserved guilt you choose to wallow is killing you. And, worse, you seem to _want_ it to kill you!" The expression in his eyes hardened momentarily, instantly softening as he took a breath and exhaled. "Seifer, your feelings are what prove who you really are. I saw you fighting her; when she first appeared, when she made you push Rinoa towards Adel, in the Lunatic Pandora when you let Fujin and Raijin leave. If Ultimecia wasn't using you then you wouldn't have done most of the things that you did! And you definitely wouldn't be killing yourself now with guilt!"

He was right. I had to admit that. Ultimecia would never feel guilt. She would never mourn over her victims. Even in the end her mind was consumed with the maniacal obsession of causing Time Compression just to get more power. Nevermind the catastrophic effect it would have on the millions of innocent people on the planet.

Squall must've understood that I was taking this in, for he remained quiet while I turned this over and over in my mind. Finally I responded. "You're right." I was completely unprepared for the flood of relief and joy that came over me when I admitted the fact and dropped the heavy burdens I had carried with me for three months.

"You're right," I repeated, and felt a smile grow. I triumphantly hugged Squall and stood up, my arms still wrapped loosely around his lithe frame. I looked down into his eyes. "Thank you," I said before kissing him. He relaxed against me and I relished in the feeling of closeness, even beginning to get a little hard. That too came as a shock; I hadn't gotten excited since Ultimecia began using my body for something other than killing. I had avoided sexual arousal like the plague since then, though it had always hurt me deeply to see Squall's hurt and frustrated reaction.

Abruptly, he pulled away. "Oh, I almost forgot. Look at this." He pulled a folded piece of paper from the inside pocket of his jacket and held it out. I took it warily and scanned the document. _An official SeeD court ruling announcement?_ "I didn't know the court was debating a major issue," I said, confused. "What does this have to do with me?"

Squall crossed his arms, trying to give me a glare saying "Just read it, you dumbass!" but the effect was less than effective as to the trained eye (i.e. me) a smile was definitely creeping around his mouth. Sighing, I dropped my eyes to the paper. _It is this Court's Ruling that all Charges against the Accused, Seifer Almasy, former Balamb Garden SeeD Cadet, concerning the events of the recent Sorceress War are Hereby Dropped on the Grounds that he was an Unwilling Accomplice coerced by way of Mind Control by the Sorceress Ultimecia. _A small sticky note from Headmaster Kramer was attached to the document saying "_Seifer—You are no longer able to be blamed for what you caused under the influence of Ultimecia! Congratulations!_"

"Y'know, just showing me this would've been easier," I said dryly. When I looked up I saw that the threatening smile on Squall's face had turned into a large grin.

"Would that alone have made you believe that it isn't your fault?" he asked.

"...No," I grumbled. I had to cede to the point. _I still am a stubborn asshole. That is one thing I will never give up._

  


The End

=================

Donedonedone!!! Yay! I think a bit of the "antihero angst" manifested itself in this story. If you want to read more about that, there's my ficcie "The Joke."

Sorry if the ending wasn't what you expected it to be. But I don't write lemons. Though I read them! Review or email me! Then go on and read juicier smut. Yummy! ~Kaerith


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